It was Monday, August 27th, two days after my due date. I was big, swollen and pretty tired of being pregnant. I just wanted my baby to be here. Numerous people predicted that I’d go early and fast. Well, they were wrong about the early part, and I was desperately hoping they weren't wrong about the latter. I’d been seeing a home birth midwife since the beginning of my pregnancy and everything looked wonderful. Absolutely no complications and a wonderful pregnancy. No morning sickness, high blood pressure or any other issues that many women face. I was the oldest daughter in a family of 10 kids, with 6 of them being born at home, including twins that were both born breech. So I had this down. A home birth was going to be a breeze because it was in my blood. It was 4 am and my husband was getting ready to leave for work when all the sudden, I felt something different. I got out of bed and went to him and said, “Babe, either I peed the bed or my water broke.” I took one more step and it was evident that this baby was FINALLY coming. We called our mothers and my sister who were supposed to come and experience their grandchild and niece or nephew be born. Our midwives were also informed. My contractions were irregular and painless, and remained that way for the whole day. Finally that evening they began picking up and we knew this was it. My body was kicking into gear. My midwives came in the middle of the night since I showed signs of dilation. By that next morning, they checked me and I was at 7 cm. Almost there! Sometime during my labor, my baby had turned into the posterior position, giving me horrendous back labor. That’s when I got on my hands and knees and rocked him out of that position. I had some relief for a while, but then he turned back as labor went on. Throughout that day and into the night, my contractions were getting stronger and more frequent. All I remember was how bad my back felt. My midwives were very good at keeping me calm and helping me to breathe through the pain. My husband was my rock. He never complained once and was my leaning post the entire time. It had been over 24 hours since my contractions began and we were hoping and praying that it was soon coming to an end. Through the night, my contractions increased in number and I began losing it both mentally and physically. There was a contraction that I remember not being able to stand for and had to be held up while I shook like a leaf and screamed. My body was almost going through a state of shock at that point. It wasn't going to last much longer without a change of some kind.
In the early hours of the morning on Wednesday, I was alone with my mom and husband. They were asking me if I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. I was unsure. I mean, I wanted to so bad, but I was scared that my midwife would think I was a failure. While we were talking, the midwife had come into the room. Fear rushed over me. Had she heard us talking? What was she thinking? Then the most glorious words came out of her mouth, “Do you think you need to go to the hospital? I think you need to go. I think you need an epidural and some sleep.” Sleep would be phenomenal since I hadn't rested in 48 hours. It was like the angels were singing! She checked me once more and we were all hoping that she was going to say it was pushing time. However, after about 20 hours of being dilated to 7 cm, I was still at 7 cm. We quickly got everything together and called the hospital and told them we were coming. I don’t remember much during that time. My sister recalled being scared that we were to going to be stopped by the police since my husband was driving like a mad man, running all the red lights. Thank God no one was out at 4:00 in the morning. When we showed up there, I was going through transition. One contraction after another. It was a painful wheelchair ride. After getting settled in, they checked me and I had gone from 7 cm to 5 cm. Oh, how devastating! That’s when an angel came to me and gave me the most wonderful thing I’d ever experienced: an epidural. I was very much against them on a normal basis, but this was a completely different situation than I had ever imagined being in. I was so delirious and so weak that I couldn’t stand during contractions. My husband told me that within 20 seconds of that taking effect, I was fast asleep and didn’t wake for 4 hours. They checked me again once I woke up and I was back at 7 cm. My contractions were every 2 minutes and were going off the charts in intensity on the monitor. It didn’t matter though. I couldn’t feel a thing. Since I had an epidural, we were given Pitocin to see if that would help to get me past 7 cm. Within a couple hours after waking up, my epidural began wearing off. Once again, I could feel my contractions. I cried. No more! The doctor who was on call just happens to be my same doctor to this day. She is wonderful! She was a God-send and I believe He placed her there for me. She came in and gently said, “Alyssa, I know that you’ve been going at this for a long time, but I wanted to mention to you that there is a possibility that you may need a c-section. This is always up to you, though. Just think about it and talk to your husband.” I was adamant that I was going to have this baby vaginally because I had gone too far to just have a c-section. I wasn’t going to quit. My mom talked to my husband about this and she told him that she thought I needed to have a c-section. My mom, the one with 10 kids, 6 of which were born at home, thought I needed a c-section? My husband told me that he thought it was the best idea. I reluctantly agreed. After 32 hours of laboring at home and 13 hours of laboring in the hospital, my little son was born by c-section. We named him Ashton Joseph and he was 8 lbs 4 oz. He was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for a week and I was being monitored for a racing heart as well as being a candidate for a blood transfusion. After I had him, I hemorrhaged and lost a lot of blood. My husband went to tell our families that it was a boy and what the situation was. At that moment he had an emotional breakdown. He was sure that he was losing his new little family. At my 2 week post-op appointment, my new doctor informed me that because my uterus was so weak and my baby was so far into the birth canal, my uterus tore from the right side of my incision down to my cervix. I wasn't a candidate for a VBAC, at least not in a hospital. This whole experience caused me great postpartum depression. I had a lot of trouble with being resentful towards my new baby. I had thought that God abandoned me. All my hopes and dreams of having a wonderful birth where my baby is brought to my skin just after being brought into the world were completely shattered on the rocks. My husband prayed for me after 2 weeks of crying myself to sleep. The depression completely lifted off me. Literally, a shadow rose off my head and I could see light again. Call it chemical, call it demonic, but it was real. It was a long process of growing a bond with my son, but I serve a merciful and forgiving God and He gave me that instant, unconditional love when my son was 11 months old.
(Ashton's cone head. You can see the "shelf" where he was caught on my pelvis from being posterior)
I went from never wanting to experience that again to thinking about having another baby. We got pregnant with our 2nd baby the first month we decided to try for another one. I was told about how much better a repeat c-section was and how much better the recovery would be. At my prenatal appointments, I would talk to various midwives and doctors. They all told me that if my doctor thought I needed to have a repeat, then I probably should because she isn’t quick to give anyone a c-section unless they genuinely needed it. My husband really pushed for the scheduled c-section, and again, I reluctantly agreed. My second son, Harrison “Harry” Lee was born weighing 8 lbs 3 oz. All I can say is that it was a terrifying experience. I got to see my baby for a split second before he was taken back and weighed, measured, suctioned and wrapped up. My husband held him up to my face as I kissed his little face. He was beautiful. I felt an instant love for him, but still something was missing. My recovery was very hard on me. Between slipping on ice, my incision coming back open and having a lot of pain(all amidst our beloved grandpa dying in the hospital and the swine flu), I built up a great fear of having to have another c-section. My doctor informed me that on top of my already increased risk of Uterine Rupture, my uterus was thin so a VBA2C was completely out of the picture.
My 2nd baby was almost 2 years old and my husband wanted another baby. So did I, but my fear was getting the best of me. I was at the end of my period and I prayed to God, “You know how much fear I am in. If You want me to get pregnant, You’re going to have to make it happen because I am scared and I WILL prevent.” The next day I got pregnant. We practiced Natural Family Planning so I was a pro a tracking my fertile days. They were definitely NOT the day after my period, so baby #3 was my God-baby… planned by God 100%.
Half of my pregnancy was spent terrified of having to have another repeat. I wasn't mentally ready to handle the pain that a c-section brought on my body. One day while I was looking up c-section videos online, I came across a video about a “natural” c-section. I went from burdened with fear to having a great excitement about having this baby. At my next appointments my doctor and I put together a plan that followed this “natural” c-section. She was all on board and I know that she wanted me to have the experience I’d always dreamed of. At 35 weeks pregnant, I began having a strange pain, totally different from ligament pain. I mentioned this at my appointment and the doctor ordered a sonogram. The sono showed that my uterus was dangerously thin and they had to take the baby as soon as I was term, which was only 2 weeks away! I had great fear again that this was my last baby and that my whole plan of having a “natural” c-section had gone out the window. My doctor reassured me that as long as the baby was healthy, everything would go as planned. So the morning of May 31st 2012, we went in to have our 3rd baby. I was scared to death, but so excited to do something different. My doctor and the nurses were, too! My first request was that my husband be my support during the spinal. We had to fight the anesthesiologist on that one, but he was allowed in the room in the end. It was a huge relief. After I was prepped, she began the process. She informed me that I had NO SCAR TISSUE. This is a big concern and can determine how many children you can have. No scar tissue meant another baby for us! The next step of my plan was that I wanted the drape dropped so both my husband and I could watch our baby be born. The doctor pulled the baby out breech….my husband said, “It’s a GIRL!” I was so happy. I got my girl!
They cut the cord and took her to be suctioned, which was all in my plan because I wanted her to be suctioned first. Then they brought her back and we had skin on skin…right there on the operating table. I can’t even explain how amazing of a feeling that was. It was how I’d always imagined having a baby would be and the feeling I had felt robbed of. My husband told me that he got to cut the cord down to size. The nurses just handed him the scissors and told him to cut! That was not in the plan, but I am so glad he got to do that. The nurse had to keep checking her temperature to be sure she wasn't getting too cold, but she was amazed at how warm she was staying on me. They finished sewing me up and with my sweet little girl still lying on my chest, they transferred me onto the recovery bed and wheeled us both into recovery. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. She was so beautiful and felt so delicate. We named her Shiloh Eleanor, meaning “A place of peace and light”. I decided I better get her weighed and measured so my husband could tell our anxious family what we had. Shiloh was a tiny 5 lbs 15 oz. She quickly came back to me and we were able to nurse. She was a pro. The nurse also let my husband give her her first bath. My recovery was phenomenal. Within a week I felt almost like I’d never had a cesarean at all! I completely feel that was derived from the fact that the birth of my daughter was such a joyful experience. On top of all this, my doctor was able to reinforce the thin part of my uterus and gave us the go ahead to have another baby after I allowed 18 months to let my uterus heal. My fears vanished. Joy took over.
There is a stigma regarding c-sections. Many women feel three things:
1) They’re a failure because they couldn't deliver vaginally.
2) They’re a failure because they won’t try for a VBAC or can't because no doctor in the area will allow them to try.
3) They've been robbed of the birth experience they've always dreamed of, but have resorted to the ‘fact’ that this is just the way is has to be.
It’s so not true! You can have that wonderful birth you've always wanted! It just takes courage and much persistence. Never give up. Your doctor might not be on board with this, but it is YOUR BIRTH, YOUR BABY and YOUR EXPERIENCE. We only have so many times to give birth, don’t let Satan take that joy from you. There is something spiritual that happens when your first feel your baby’s skin on your skin.
One of my favorite sayings is “Today I will choose JOY!” I hope to encourage repeat c-section moms to choose this wonderful joy that God gives us when our babies are born. Having a cesarean doesn’t have to be just a surgery to get your baby out. It can be the joyful birth experience you’ve always dreamed of! Take advantage of God’s gift.
It’s indescribable. ❤️
