LIFE! It's it the most beautiful creation on this earth.
Even from our earliest existence, we choose life. A simple life form, devoid of anything resembling a human being, chooses life by burrowing itself on its mother's womb. Without a brain, this new creation has been given the will to live. I marvel at all of God's creations, but this baffles me. He has created us in our mother's womb. He has guided us to life. He LOVES life. He created it.
When I first found out about the little one growing inside me, I was filled with joy. This baby was so long desired, I could barely contain myself. The test was faint, but positive. I told my husband. He was happy and, of course, a little scared. I quickly began making plans in my head for this baby. Was it a boy? A girl? I had 2 boys and a girl already so I was completely happy with whatever God gave me. Just content to be pregnant again. A friend of mine had a word from God and told me the exact date I was to conceive. This was so mind boggling. God knew my heart's desire and He wanted to give it to me. I felt so special.
The next morning came. I had been having cramps all night, which I knew was normal during pregnancy, but assumed they were harder because it was my 4th baby and everything is so different the more babies you have. Since my first test was faint, I wanted to take another in the morning. It was just a reassurance that I wasn't losing my mind. I stood up out of bed. My life came to a halt. "No." I exclaimed in my head. Rushing to the restroom, the one thing many pregnant women dread had revealed itself. At first I sat there in shock. "This can't be happening. God told me this baby was supposed to be." Sorrow filled my mind, body and soul. Deep tears of a life lost began to pour from my eyes and flow down my face. This wasn't supposed to happen. My first cries to God were shouts of betrayal, "How could you do this to me? You told me I was going to have this baby." Utter confusion and sadness consumed my mind. I had to face my husband. I felt so embarrassed. Why? There's absolutely no reason why I felt this way. And no reason for it. My husband held me. He didn't have much to say. Words really weren't needed from him, just a warm body and a shoulder to cry on. I laid in bed for a while, thinking, crying.
My mind was exploding with emotion. Upon reaching for my phone to distract myself, my Facebook opened. A message from a new friend I had just met a couple months prior had been highlighted at the top of the screen. At first I didn't want to read anything because I couldn't respond, but for whatever reason, the urge to open it was overwhelming. Just the first sentence had be bawling my eyes out once again. This new friend had been praying earlier that week and God told her something to share with me, but he wanted her to keep it to herself until that very morning. Out of all the message, this stood out:
"My glory is behind you, and I have gone before you."
At that point, I wasn't sure why I lost my baby, but this word hit me so hard that I knew there was a plan. God was still in control. He hadn't betrayed me. He had just yet to reveal the reasons.
The rest of the day was spent like an emotional zombie. The following morning I managed to put something presentable on and head to church. I told my husband I didn't want to help lead worship. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to pretend I was okay. We had communion that morning. "The Garden Song" by Jason Upton began playing. I'd heard the song before and thought it was beautiful, but its real beauty began shining in a whole new light. The words penetrated my soul:
"I have heard a mother's cry for her child to live again. I'm gonna build you a garden in a dry and dessert land. I'm gonna find a river there, I'm gonna find a river there." At the end of fellowship, my husband asked for prayer for me. As he did, he was filled with tears. Many fellow believers laid hands on me. I felt a complete peace rush over me. Peace. It was so needed.
Many people, including myself previous to this, wonder why anyone would mourn a miscarriage so early. It's not like you have time to bond or feel kicks or hiccups, right? Wrong. The moment you find out you're expecting, there's an instant soul connection. You are literally two beings joined together. It's LIFE at its most glorious state. What a wonderful feeling being the bringer of life! I wasn't just mourning the microscopic being inside me. No. I was mourning the kicks I had yet to feel, the first cry, the first laugh, the first crawl, and walk, and word spoken. I missed a first birthday party, a 5th birthday party, a 25th birthday party. I missed a graduation, a wedding, a grandchild that would never be. You see, there's so much more than the mourning of the speck of a human being inside me. There's the mourning of an entire life lost.
But there is hope.
I rest upon the assurance of life after death. That one day I will get to see my child again, my beautiful, wonderful child. I have not lost my baby, my life is a long-lasting pregnancy that will birth a perfect child in a perfect place. My garden is being built because God has heard every word of every cry from my heart. He's building my garden and he'll find a river there.
